A Bot Writes A Transcript For A Sports Betting Legislative Hearing

Posted By i15admin on April 15, 2019

We forced a bot to watch over 100 hours of sports betting legislative hearings, and then asked it to write a transcript of its own. Here’s what it came up with:

FADE IN

A fancy chandelier hangs in a fancy building. A harpsichord (offscreen) plays old music for 38 minutes.

Cut to a hearing room filled with many lawmakers, basketballs and briefcases full of money.

SENATOR SMITH bangs a gavel and confetti falls from the ceiling.

SMITH
One billion dollars is coming from sports betting. We must spend it. The committee will sit in a row. We will make 173 laws today.

A LEGISLATIVE AIDE provides a stack of sports betting bills. The bills are crunchy. SMITH eats four bills. SENATOR STRIKER is impressed.

STRIKER
Bills are good for digestion, let us eat all of the bills.

The bills are now all gone.

STRIKER
Our education system is underperforming. Let us increase taxation by permitting drugs and gambling.

SMITH
So ordered.

PASTOR JAMES
Let us pray. Amen.

SMITH
Are there any witnesses?

An OFFSHORE SPORTSBOOK plays a commercial on 100 televisions that have been wheeled into the room.

COMMERCIAL VOICE-OVER
Try this exclusive offer from IllegalSportsbook Dot Com: Don’t pass a bill while using Promo Code ‘LOL’ and we will continue to make money forever.

The LEAGUES enter. They are made of insincere integrity and their own data. An NBA LAWYER in a shiny suit talks very quickly.

LAWYER
Gambling is new. Pay me integrity because sports.

LAWYER takes all of the money out of SMITH’S pockets.

SMITH
You may keep my lucky quarter. I enjoy taking my child to sports games.

LAWYER
Now nobody can cheat. Sports are integrity.

DraftKings CEO JASON ROBINS enters doing cartwheels and is sweating out of his eyeballs.

ROBINS
Daily gambling is very good for your health and wealth. Crowns for everyone.

He throws drink coasters at lawmakers.

An angry drunk man in the back of the room smashes a beer bottle on the floor. He is LARRY.

LARRY
I am angry because you are insanity. If you use a computer for betting on the sports your house will fall down.

INTRALOT testifies and vomits on the table. Lawmakers applaud and raise taxes.

SMITH
The clerk will prepare the machine.

Green lights fill up the voting board. SMITH uses his gavel. It makes a squeaking noise.

(Head to Legal Sports Report for actual coverage of sports betting legislation.)

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